Funny TShirt Slogans

* At My Age, Getting Lucky Is Finding My Car in the Parking Lot.

* Cancel My Subscription -- I Don't Need Your Issues.

* (On the front) 60 Is Not Old . . . (On the back) If You're a Tree.

* I'm Still Hot -- It Just Comes in Flashes.

* I'm Not 50 -- I'm $49.95 Plus Tax.

* I Know I Came Into This Room for a Reason.

* Don't Worry, Mom -- It's Just a Phase.

* Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up!

* I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke.

* We Got Rid of the Kids -- The Cat Was Allergic.

* Dangerously Under-Medicated.

* Madness Takes Its Toll -- Please Have Exact Change.

Advice To MANAGERS From Their EMPLOYEES!!!

* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

* If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

* Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

* Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

* If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

* Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

* If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

* If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

* If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

* Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

* Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

The Most Functional Word In The English Language!!

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit, or not, if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

The TALE of the Computer Mouse - Or Should That Be TAIL???

This year the humble and much overlooked computer mouse turned 45 years old.

Douglas Engelbart at the Stanford Research Institute invented the first mouse in 1963. Looking more like a wooden box with a cord hanging out more than anything else, (pictured) the mouse was so named because it did look like it had the tail of a mouse running out of it.

Engelbart, although he had patented it, never received any royalties for his handy device, as the patent ran out before it became widely used in personal computers.

Some analysts now predict that the mouse will be obsolete within the next 3 - 5 years.

Did You Know???

Did you know 11% of people are left handed?

Did you know August has the highest percentage of births?

Did you know unless food is mixed with saliva you can't taste it?

Did you know the average person falls asleep in 7 minutes?

Did you know a bear has 42 teeth?

Did you know an ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain?

Did you know most lipsticks contain fish scales?

Did you know no two corn flakes look the same?

Did you know lemons contain more sugar than strawberries?

Did you know 8% of people have an extra rib?

Did you know 85% of plant life on earth is found in the ocean?

Did you know no words in the English language rhyme with the words angel, angst, breadth, bulb, depth, eighth, month, ninth, orange, purple, scalp or twelfth?

Did you know Ralph Lauren's original name was Ralph Lifshitz?

Did you know rabbits like licorice?

Did you know the Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters?

Did you know 'Topolino' is the name for Mickey Mouse Italy?

Did you know a lobsters blood is colorless but when exposed to oxygen it turns blue?

Did you know an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?

Did you know armadillos have 4 babies at a time and are all the same sex?

Did you know reindeer like bananas?

Did you know the longest recorded flight of a chicken was 13 seconds?

Did you know birds need gravity to swallow?

Did you know the most commonly used letter in the alphabet is E?

Did you know the least used letter in the alphabet is Q?

Did you know the 3 most common languages in the world are Mandarin Chinese, Spanish and English?

Did you know 'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence?

Did you know skiing is the only word with double i?

Did you know dreamt is the only word that ends in mt?

Did you know the names of all continents both start and end with the same letter?

Did you know the first letters of the months July through to November spell JASON?

Did you know if you try to say the alphabet without moving your lips or tongue every letter will sound the same?

Did you know a cat has 32 muscles in each ear?

Did you know Perth is Australia's windiest city?

Did you know Elvis's middle name was Aron?

Did you know the flag for Libya is unlike any other being a solid green color?

Did you know goldfish can see both infrared and ultraviolet light?

Did you know the smallest bones in the human body are found in your ear?

Did you know cats spend 66% of their life asleep?

Did you know Switzerland eats the most chocolate equating to 10 kilos per person per year?

Did you know money is the number one thing that couples argue about?